Chapter 7 · Why Women Love Assholes
Chemistry Is a Dangerous Word
Is it chemistry or anxiety when I feel so drawn to someone?
Many women have felt a strong pull toward a man and called it chemistry without being sure what it really was. In this chapter, Dana I. Halawi looks at how loosely that word is used, and why it often covers any intense reaction that is hard to explain. She does not dismiss attraction. Real chemistry matters, and a good relationship should include wanting the person. But she shows that a racing heart, constant thoughts about him and a strong sexual pull can come from several sources, including nerves, fantasy and emotional patterns that feel familiar. The chapter offers simple questions that help a reader look past the intensity and see what is actually happening when she is with him. It closes with Emma's story, which shows how chemistry can feel when it is real.
What this chapter covers
- Chemistry is real and worth wanting, but intensity alone does not show where a feeling comes from.
- Anxiety, fear and anticipation can feel much like excitement, so the body's reaction can be misread as romance.
- Calm, steady men can seem flat to women used to unpredictable relationships, simply because calm feels unfamiliar.
- Sexual chemistry is not compatibility, and it says little about trust, respect or shared life goals.
From the book
“There’s just something about him.”
It’s one of the most common explanations people give when they can’t explain why they’re attracted to someone. You can have very little in common, know he’s not particularly good for you, and even know, objectively, that another man would probably make a better partner. And still, when he walks into the room, you feel something.
We call it chemistry. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t. The problem is that “chemistry” has become a convenient word for almost any strong reaction we don’t understand.
Reflect on this
The questions Dana I. Halawi asks at the end of Chapter 7:
- Take a relationship that felt like intense chemistry. How much of that intensity happened when you were actually together, versus waiting, wondering, or imagining?
- Have you ever mistaken sexual chemistry for compatibility? What did that end up costing you?
- If the anxiety disappeared from the relationship, would the attraction still be there?
Read the whole chapter, including Emma’s story, in Why Women Love Assholes by Dana I. Halawi.