Chapter 2 · Why Women Love Assholes
Nice Isn’t the Same as Attractive
Why am I not attracted to a nice guy who treats me well?
Many women have met a man who is thoughtful, steady and clearly interested, and still felt no spark. In this chapter, Dana I. Halawi looks at why that happens and why it can bring so much guilt, especially when friends say he is a great catch. She separates real kindness from people-pleasing, and from the kind of niceness that quietly expects attraction as payment. She also asks whether calm is being mistaken for boredom, and why some difficult men seem exciting simply because they have a strong sense of self. A short story about Maya and Daniel shows how this plays out in a real relationship. The chapter ends with questions that help readers look at their own patterns with honesty and care.
What this chapter covers
- Kindness is not unattractive, but a man can be good without being someone a woman feels drawn to.
- Constant agreeing can be people-pleasing, and it leaves a woman unable to tell who the man really is.
- Good behavior does not guarantee desire, and a woman does not owe attraction to someone who treats her well.
- Confidence, independence and decisiveness can come with respect and warmth, so excitement does not have to come with bad behavior.
From the book
He is the man everyone tells you to like. He’s polite. Thoughtful. He remembers how you take your coffee. He listens when you talk. He checks that you got home safely. He doesn’t play games. He makes it obvious that he likes you.
On paper, he’s exactly what you said you wanted. And yet, something is missing. You enjoy talking to him. You appreciate the attention. You know he’s a good man. You just don’t want him enough.
That can make you feel guilty. Especially when everyone around you seems to think you are making a mistake.
“He’s so nice.”
“Give him a chance.”
“Maybe you’ll develop feelings.”
Sometimes you do. Sometimes you don’t. And that distinction matters.
Reflect on this
The questions Dana I. Halawi asks at the end of Chapter 2:
- Think of a kind, attentive partner you weren’t drawn to. Was something missing in him, or did he never show you who he actually was?
- Do you ever accommodate a partner so completely that they never get the chance to discover the real you?
- What would it feel like to disagree with someone you’re dating without immediately smoothing it over?
Read the whole chapter, including Maya’s story, in Why Women Love Assholes by Dana I. Halawi.