Chapter 3 · Why Women Love Assholes
Why We Want What We Can’t Have
Why do I want a man more when he becomes unavailable?
Many women know the feeling: a man seemed fine while he was interested, then he pulls away or meets someone else, and he is suddenly all they can think about. In this chapter, Dana I. Halawi looks at why that shift happens and what it may really be about. She explains how difficulty can raise a man's value in the mind, how another woman's interest can seem to confirm it, and how rejection can turn into a wish to be chosen. She also describes how imagination fills gaps, and how a woman's view of his flaws can soften. Through Elena's story, the chapter shows why strong feelings are not always proof of a strong relationship, and invites readers to ask whether they want the man or just want to win.
What this chapter covers
- Things that are hard to get often seem more valuable, but difficulty alone says nothing about worth.
- Seeing that other women want a man can make him look more desirable without telling you if he suits you.
- Rejection can shift the question from wanting him to wanting to be chosen by him.
- An unavailable man is easy to idealize, so you may compare a real man with a fantasy.
From the book
Something strange happens when a man becomes more interesting the moment he becomes unavailable. You may have barely noticed him when he was interested. He texted, he made plans, he showed up. You liked him, perhaps, but you weren’t obsessed. Then something changes. He gets a girlfriend. He starts seeing someone else. He pulls away. Suddenly, the man you were perfectly capable of taking or leaving becomes the man you cannot stop thinking about. Why? Part of the answer is scarcity.
Reflect on this
The questions Dana I. Halawi asks at the end of Chapter 3:
- Has wanting someone ever felt more like wanting to win than wanting to be with him? What does that tell you?
- Think of someone who became more appealing once you learned another woman wanted him too. What was that really about?
- If he were completely available to you tomorrow, would he still interest you as much?
Read the whole chapter, including Elena’s story, in Why Women Love Assholes by Dana I. Halawi.