Chapter 4 · Why Women Love Assholes
The Man Who Doesn’t Need You
Why am I attracted to a man who doesn't need me?
Some men seem to have a full life that does not revolve around a partner, and many women find that pull hard to resist. In this chapter, Dana I. Halawi looks at why that quality draws women in and why it is so often confused with coldness. She separates a man who is secure enough to have his own life from one who simply keeps his distance. She also shows how constant neediness can wear attraction down, and why choosing someone feels different from depending on them. A story about a woman named Sophie shows what can happen when a person is endlessly flexible, and what changes when she begins to set a boundary. The chapter closes with questions to help readers think about their own patterns.
What this chapter covers
- Feeling wanted differs from feeling needed, and a partner's need can quietly turn into pressure.
- A man with his own interests and direction is with you by choice, not out of necessity.
- Healthy independence includes boundaries and a return to closeness, while emotional unavailability builds walls and avoids intimacy.
- Acting unavailable on purpose is a performance, and real independence means valuing your own life.
From the book
There is something attractive about a man whose life doesn’t revolve around you. He has his own friends. His own interests. His own plans.
He can spend an evening without wondering where you are or why you haven’t replied. He doesn’t need constant reassurance that you like him. He doesn’t seem afraid that you might walk away. And strangely enough, that can make you want to move closer. It can also be misunderstood. We sometimes describe this kind of man as an “asshole” because he doesn’t behave as though getting your attention is his primary objective.
But there is a big difference between a man who doesn’t need you and a man who doesn’t care about you. The first can be attractive. The second usually isn’t—at least not for long.
Reflect on this
The questions Dana I. Halawi asks at the end of Chapter 4:
- Have you ever mistaken someone’s distance for depth? What made you assume there was more beneath the surface?
- Where’s your line between someone having a full life of their own and someone using independence to avoid real closeness?
- Do you feel more like yourself around people who need you, or people who don’t?
Read the whole chapter, including Sophie’s story, in Why Women Love Assholes by Dana I. Halawi.