Chapter 9 · Why Women Love Assholes
The Bad Boy Isn’t the Problem
Why am I attracted to bad boys even though I know better?
Chapter 9 of Why Women Love Assholes looks at a familiar pattern: a woman feels drawn to a man she already suspects will hurt her. In this chapter, Dana I. Halawi explains that the so-called bad boy is rarely attractive because of his poor behavior. More often, the pull comes from qualities that arrive with the image, such as confidence, independence, courage and a relaxed sense of self. The trouble starts when those traits and the harmful habits are treated as one package. The chapter shows how to pull them apart, why a strong attraction can make excuses feel reasonable, and how to want an exciting man who also treats you well. It ends with the story of Jessica and Julian, and with questions for reflection.
What this chapter covers
- Women are usually drawn to confidence, independence and courage in the bad-boy image, not to the cruelty or neglect.
- Attractive traits can slip into harmful ones, and attraction then makes it easy to excuse the damage.
- A man who seems free may be showing a woman where she wants more freedom herself.
- Exciting and decent are not opposites, and naming the exact quality you like helps you choose better.
From the book
The bad boy isn’t attractive because he is bad. At least, that’s not really what is happening. Most women are not sitting across from a man who is rude, unreliable, selfish, and disrespectful, thinking, Perfect. Exactly what I’ve been looking for. What can be attractive is everything wrapped up in the bad-boy image: confidence, independence, unpredictability, courage, strong opinions, a certain disregard for convention, and the feeling that he isn’t desperately trying to be liked. That combination can be powerful.
The problem is that those qualities often arrive mixed with behavior that should make you leave, not stay. And when the attraction is strong enough, it becomes surprisingly easy to convince yourself that the bad behavior is part of the package. It isn’t.
Reflect on this
The questions Dana I. Halawi asks at the end of Chapter 9:
- Think of a “bad boy” you were drawn to. Was it really about him, or about a quality in him you also want in yourself?
- Can you name the specific trait that pulled you in—the confidence, the unpredictability, the edge—separate from the harmful behavior it came wrapped in?
- Where else in your life could you build that same quality, without paying for it the way you did with him?
Read the whole chapter, including Jessica’s story, in Why Women Love Assholes by Dana I. Halawi.